||From the crypt of Baron
Friday 13th, 2003
Baron Samedi here with GREAT NEWS for all you internet
marketers who are dying to make a killing on the Internet!
Are you frustrated with SEO? Does this describe you?
If this describes you then you need my amazing new marketing
- Sick of the struggle to get SearchEngine ranking?
- Tired of the mumbo-jumbo of Search Engine
- Wouldn't know PageRank if it bit you on the leg?
- Ready to
sell your soul do anything for a good
Rankings Ritual Sacrifice Kit
Using the latest digital technology coupled with
traditional beliefs and practices, amazing new
revolutionizing internet marketing from the inside out!
Supernatural selling - it's so good it's
In our rush to adopt the latest technology we have turned our
backs on those traditional forces that still rule our lives
- ancient powers that affect every aspect of our daily
lives! Subtle influences that can bring good fortune - or take it
Yes, the Search Engine Gods - powerful, inscrutable,
merciless, omnipotent - rule our lives and hold our hopes, our
futures and our search engine rankings in their mighty hands!
Now, with the help of SearchEngineVoodoo™, the Gods of Search Engine
Optimization will become your willing allies in your quest
for rankings - if you know the key.
Harness the awesome power of ritual sacrifice!
Yes, the key to search engine success is sacrifice!
Rituals of sacrifice and propitiation have formed a part of
religion in all parts of the world, from the earliest days -
witness the human sacrifices of the Druids and the Incas.
But you need do nothing so extreme!
A simple SearchEngineVoodoo™ ritual sacrifice with appropriate
incantation is all you need to get your message through to
the digital deities and make your rankings soar to the heavens!
you with everything you need for search engine mastery in one
easy-to-use, hygienic package! All you need do is wait for
the next full moon!
Metaphysical marketing - it's out of this
Traditionally, sacrifice is performed using a live chicken
but we don't advocate breaking the law, upsetting animal rights
activists or getting your shoes all bloody.
Intensive research in our laboratories has demonstrated that
ritual sacrifices performed with pre-deceased poultry are
almost (87.7%) as effective as those performed with live ones.
Simple techniques for supernatural success!
This break-through in modern ritual sacrifice technology
means that all you need for search engine success is our kit and a
quick trip to your local supermarket or deli. No more elaborate
preparations, no more fasting and meditation. (Self-flagellation is
If the Sacrificial Object is frozen, thaw it out. If it's
roasted, take it out of the foil bag. If it's in a Family Size tub
just take off the lid - and you're ready for the Ritual.
( * actual wording supplied with product
- When the moon is at its fullest, place the offering in front of
your computer screen.
- Log on to www.*******.com and type '***** ** ****' into
the search box
- Do not click the button yet!.
- Bow to the ******* logo then dance three times around your
computer in a clockwise direction,
- Dance three times around your computer in an anti-clockwise
- Facing the screen again, intone the Incantation (see
- Click the Search button.
- When you see "**** ******* **** ****" this signifies that the
Gods acknowledge and accept your offering.
- The Ritual is over.
- Rest for a while then check your rankings.
|"Oh Wise Ones, Oh Gods of the Search Engines,
I salute you and bring you ***** ******. Please accept my humble
I summon thee, Lyc*s, the
I call upon you all, Oh Seven Wise Ones, Sacred
Keepers of the Search Engines to grant me number one ranking. Now
and forever more! ** *******"
I summon thee, *nkt*mi, the All-knowing,
I summon thee, Alt*Vist*, the All-Seeing,
I summon thee, DM*Z the Wise,
I summon thee, Y*h** the *nscrutable,
I summon thee, H*tb*t the Mighty,
I summon thee, *nf*s**k the *neffable,
(incantation copyright © 2003
Instant Rankings Ritual Sacrifice Kit contains:
Original Incantations you can customize for your
different Rituals - one for every mood!
Ceremonial details bound in sturdy ring-binder with handsome
leather-look gold-embossed cover!
one-size-fits-all Sacrificial Robe, inspired by ancient
Aztec traditional feather capes and crafted in washable,
hard-wearing acrylic fur.
Some F.A.Qs about SearchEngineVoodoo:
Does it matter what kind of chicken?
Preliminary research suggest that Rhode Island Reds score
significantly higher in the ratings than Wyandottes.
Do I have to say the incantation?
Tests show that saying the incantation doubles the effectiveness of
the sacrifice. If you really don't want to say it, try doubling up
on the chickens. We recommend you do split-run tests to see what
works best for you.
Can I write my own incantation?
Yes. The incantation above is designed to get you started. For
maximum effectiveness write your own to add that personal touch.
Remember, the SEO Gods love long copy.
Does it have to be a chicken?
Chickens scored highest in our tests. Turkeys are okay. In an
emergency situation, budgerigars will do, but use more than
Would they like fries with that?
Fries are optional, although it's rumored that DM*Z likes
How often should I do it?
Repetition is good. Testing indicates that it may take up to seven
incantations before you'll get a result.
Do I need to wear special clothing?
No, 21st century voodoo is easygoing and laid-back - regular
sackcloth and a sprinkling of fresh ashes is fine.
your rituals with this authentic replica Aztec priest's
sacrificial dagger, lovingly crafted in durable fiberglass.
With its sturdy Teflon blade this handsome relic doubles as a
useful freezer scraper for defrosting your Sacrifices when
preparing for a Ritual at very short notice.
Buy now and receive Fabulous Bonus #1!
But wait, there's more - with Bonus #2!
double CD set of stunning Sacrificial music including Aztec
chants to give that authentic atmosphere, as well as stereo
sound-effects of raging thunder storms that build to a
mighty crescendo with Beethoven's 1812 Overture played by
the Transylvanian State Orchestra.
And we over-deliver yet again - with Bonus #3!
authentic touch, a bottle of Faux Sang artificial blood
(enough for 50 rituals). Made from organically-grown ingredients to
a secret, lo-cal recipe, this faux blood is guaranteed
non-staining and non-addictive.
So there you have it! Search engine ranking in one easy step.
Get the Gods working for you with our fabulous product. No more
"eye of newt and toe of frog" mumbo-jumbo! No more tweaking and
tampering with META tags.
Be sure to bookmark this site for the latest news on
metaphysical marketing - remember, it's out of this world!
May the Gods of SEO smile upon you!
PS: This Special Offer closes on the stroke
of midnight. Don't be left for dead!